Who is Randy Boner?

I know that it has been a while since you last heard from me. Please understand that sometimes I let my life take its course without being the best driver. Now I know that this was supposed to be an outlet to share my love of fishing with you all, but I am done putting myself in a box.

I have been struggling with expression.

It dawned on me not too long ago that not only do I like to express myself, I seriously need to for my mental health. The words mental health almost scare me as I type them, but I am here to say that I lost focus on my mental health.

Emotions would come and go without me ever saying a word to anyone. I found myself keeping feelings in that I should have been expressing to the people I love.

The hard way of learning hit different when I found myself having an emotional breakdown, parked at a random post office, with a homeless man knocking on my window for some change.

As it turns out, I believe that some change is all I really need.

I think that external transformation can be very important, especially if you find yourself in a toxic environment. But the reality is if I can’t figure out what it is about myself that is holding me back, no outside change will ever be enough.

I dug deep through all the stubborn layers of my mind.

What is causing me this emotional distress?

Why do I feel so lonely when I can count so many people who I know care about me off the top of my head?

What am I so afraid of?

The worst part about feeling lonely is that it feels like you have no one to talk to. Or even worse, no one wants to talk to you about your problems.

Well, Randy, how would anyone know about your problems if you don’t express your true feelings with anyone? Maybe you feel so lonely because you subconsciously excluded everyone in your life from the real you.

I learned something about myself that I absolutely despise. It is extremely hard for me to be vulnerable. I don’t know what about being vulnerable is hard for me, but it is very clear that this has been a big issue in my life lately.

It is so obvious to me now that I have been missing on the most important aspect of a friendship: the connection.

Without vulnerability true connection is not possible. It takes opening up by sharing real thoughts and feelings to truly be understood and respected.

In the short time it has been since this realization, it feels like the heaviest weight has been lifted off of my entire body.

I got a hair cut in the midst of this identity crisis, but I feel fresh for other reasons.

I feel like myself again. I am working.

Thanks for reading.